THE LOST ART OF SELF-COMPASSION

Self-compassion is an art that is feared by many and lost on most.

Matthew 22:39 tells us that the second greatest commandment is to love others as ourselves. But how many of us can honestly say that we show ourselves the love that we know God expects us to show others? 

Week after week, we sit in pews and listen to messages that convict and inspire our heart to show compassion to others. But we remain ignorant and uncaring to the importance of showing compassion to ourselves.

I wonder why this is.

THE REASON WE WITHHOLD

Some of us might withhold self-compassion subconsciously. Maybe you come from an abusive home or have experienced an abusive relationship. Now, you may feel trapped as your mind replays painful, critical words like it’s the soundtrack of your life.

Others of us may withhold self-compassion as a form of self-inflicted punishment. We may think that we deserve circumstances worse than the ones we’ve been given and feel it is our responsibility to ensure that our life is not too good for us.

Maybe some of us even hope that our negative feelings and poor treatment of ourselves will somehow transfer over to our spiritual bank account as a form of humility.

Spoiler alert: it won’t.

This negative, abusive relationship with ourselves is not pleasing to God, nor is it acceptable in the life of a Christian.

When we live this way, we are not living in light of Truth. We are walking in the darkness of false expectations and misplaced confidence.

Today, I’m going to share three steps you can take toward creating a heart of self-compassion and, in time, a healthy, God-honoring relationship with yourself.

ACCEPT YOURSELF

Learning self-acceptance is an important part of practicing self-compassion.

Before I continue, let me clarify this. When I say accept, I simply mean come to terms with what is.

I do not advocate for the lukewarm Christian mentality that we should embrace our natural self or instinctual inclinations completely. Nor do I believe that it is healthy to adopt an attitude of complacency or apathy toward our sin. No.

I’m simply saying that accepting what is serves as a good starting point for growth. Self-acceptance during a faith journey is much like accepting your starting location for a road trip.

It’s difficult to map out a good route to your destination when you aren’t sure where you’re going to beginning. And I’d dare say it’s just as–if not more–difficult to determine how to get to where we can and should be through Christ if we refuse to accept our starting point in our faith journey.

NAVIGATING ROADBLOCKS

But self-acceptance is easier explained than practiced. If we’re being honest, most of us aren’t overly thrilled with where we are in one or more area(s) of our life. That’s what makes this step so difficult to take.

Instead of accepting and addressing those “little” problem areas of our life, most of us would rather ignore them until they are effectively forgotten. But we deceive only ourselves if we think that changes anything about our situation.

Just as denying the truth doesn’t make something a lie, refusing to accept ourselves won’t make us different.

No matter how hard we try to ignore and forget the less-than-pleasant pieces of ourselves, God still sees them. And they will continue to affect our lives until they are dealt with.

God does not want us to live a life of ignorance and denial. He wants us to evaluate ourselves, come to terms with who we are, and embrace our identity in Him.

MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF

Another way to practice self-compassion is to make time to tend to our mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Many of us lead busy lives governed by seemingly endless to-do lists. But forcing extra tasks into an already inundated schedule is not a healthy way to accomplish our daily goals.

We are called to be wise stewards of our time and guardians of our heart. As such, we are responsible for making time for what matters.

Our internal, spiritual, emotional, and mental health is every bit as important as our external, physical health. And we need to learn to carve out the necessary time to tend to it. A simple way to take care of these easily forgotten internal needs is to make time for rest and reflection.

THE NEED FOR REST

Constant busyness leaves no time for rest. 

Gina M Poirier has a wonderful little course called *Choose Rest that delves much deeper than I will today into God’s design for rest. If you’re interested in learning more about practical, God-honoring self-care, I’d highly recommend you check out the *Gina’s blog and her course!

But rest, in short, is an essential part of life. In fact, God built rest into the fabric of our design.

We see in Genesis 2:2-3 that even God rested on the seventh day of creation. Under the Old Law, the children of Israel were commanded to honor that day of rest by upholding the tradition of the Sabbath day. 

I believe that God set this example not because He needed rest but because He knew that we, His creation, would need it. Rest is important. It’s refreshing and stabilizing. Rest allows us to take a step back, unwind, and engage with others in a less hurried way.

Allowing our body and mind necessary time to rest is not only a beautiful act of self-compassion but also surrender to God’s design.

THE IMPORTANCE OF REFLECTION

An overflowing schedule rarely leaves time for self-reflection. In my post, Four Ways to Cultivate Self-Awareness, I touch on the importance of reflection and self-evaluation to the life of a Christian.

Making time for reflection can have a huge impact on our relationships with God and ourselves. Reflection cultivates self-awareness. And self-awareness can have a profound impact on our ability and willingness to pursue spiritual and personal growth. 

In episode #61 of The Next Right Thing podcast, Emily P. Freeman shares her thoughts and pearls of wisdom on this topic of self-reflection. She says, “When I’m paying attention to the public road I’m walking and private world within, I tend to be more patient, more kind, more willing to give myself and others grace. I’m able to notice what God is up to within me and around me.”

Isn’t this true for so many of us?

When we make time for self-reflection, we create an opportunity to become more aware of our needs and the needs of others around us. In doing so, we also allow space for positive changes to take place.

This gentle act of self-compassion gives us permission to be gentle, flexible, and patient with ourselves as we work to grow in both our personal and spiritual lives. 

FORGIVE YOURSELF

The last method of self-compassion that I’ll discuss today is that of self-forgiveness.

You probably won’t deny that forgiveness is an inextricable part of compassion. We cannot feel or show true compassion to others without first forgiving them. Similarly, we cannot have true self-compassion without first engaging in self-forgiveness.

Have you ever made a simple mistake and then held it against yourself as evidence to prove that you’re a failure?

Do you ever misspend time or fail to meet an arbitrary deadline and call yourself a loser?

Do you keep repenting after you’ve received forgiveness for a wrong, yet continue to put yourself under the shadow of its shame?

Just me? I didn’t think so.

This refusal to forgive is a form of that self-inflicted punishment that I mentioned in the first section of this post. The strange thing about it is that we often feel that our self-destructive thoughts are somehow justified. 

We forget about the Truth of God’s grace and mercy as we embrace the twisted part of our subconscious that screams that we deserve to suffer.

And by all accounts, we probably do. Maybe we do deserve to be punished. But that is not our decision to make, and it is never our job to punish ourselves. So let’s not fool ourselves into believing that God is pleased with us when we do.

THE GIFT OF GRACE

If you believe that God is in control, then you must agree that He is in charge of the consequences of our actions.

When we come to faith in Christ by professing our belief in Him and confessing our faults to Him, we are saved from our past sins, faults, and failures. In fact, Psalm 103:12 assures us that God removes our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

When we hold our past, previously forgiven sins against ourselves, we are not walking in Truth or light. We are instead, denying the power of Christ in us and believing the lie that His sacrifice was not enough for us.

Jesus came to earth and died for the sins of the whole world. And you and I are a part of that. If our Savior can forgive us, what’s stopping us from forgiving ourselves?

Let’s walk together in the freedom of His forgiveness and learn to see ourselves through the lens of His grace and mercy. In doing so, we will learn to offer ourselves the same forgiveness and gain strength to show ourselves much-needed self-compassion.

REMEMBER THE TRUTH

Self-compassion isn’t just something nice to do for yourself. It’s a necessary act of obedience to the Word of God.

There are many ways and reasons to practice self-compassion, but the ultimate one is to surrender to the will of God by listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit. When we choose to show ourselves Biblical compassion, we humbly open our hearts to God’s will as we allow Him to tell the powerful story of His grace.

So today, let me admonish you to begin creating a heart of self-compassion. Accept what is, make time to tend to your internal needs, and learn to receive forgiveness and forgive yourself. As you make these heart shifts, you will be amazed by the life-giving, God-honoring relationship that begins to develop within you. 

The better we get at muffling the loud voice that tells us we are not enough, the better we’ll be able to hear the still, small voice of God that reminds us that we are complete in Him.