Insecurity is an old companion of mine.

We became acquainted around the time of my parents’ divorce. I was three years old. Although I didn’t realize the magnitude of what was happening, I knew that my parents were breaking under a weight of anger and sorrow.

I felt powerless.

I desperately desired to make them happy again, but I couldn’t.

It was out of my control.

It was through that realization that insecurity made its grand entrance into my life. When it did, it placed a firm grip around my heart, and squeezed tightly. And as it crushed my spirit and shattered my trust, it whispered that it would never let go.

UNSTEADY BEGINNINGS

There was a lot of heartache and change that took place after the divorce, but my mother continued to faithfully take my brother and me to church through it all. The Lord has used that church to draw me to Him since I was six years old. 

When God first started dealing with my heart, I wasn’t at all willing to heed His beckoning. My heart was still broken over the the traumatic events that had taken place in my family. My mind was filled with confusion and worry. I was afraid to trust in anything then, let alone a God that I could not see. 

I let my fear deter any small seeds of faith for some time. But when I was about nine years old, I finally decided that it was time to give God a chance. After a lot of encouragement from one of my friends, I begrudgingly walked up to the altar of my church one night to receive prayer.

Before the night was over, I’d surrendered to Lord and received His Holy Spirit. It filled me with a hope and peace like I’d never known. And as Jesus began to reassemble my shattered heart and broken trust with his amazing love and grace, my insecurity seemed like nothing but a distant memory

MISPLACED FOCUS

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I started stifling the seed of hope that the Lord had placed within my heart. I had certain expectations of my new Savior after my salvation experience. I assumed that I’d be rewarded for allowing Him to become a part of my life, and I knew exactly what I wanted my reward to be.

Every day, I prayed for my parents, especially for my father. I desperately wanted to see them happy and together again. It seemed like a good prayer for a good thing, so I expected the Lord to answer speedily. The words no and wait are two common words in God’s vocabulary that I did not want to hear.

I wanted a genie who existed to grant my every wish not an all-powerful God who would do whatever He deemed best. Day after day, week after week, and month after month I waited in vain for the Lord to tell me yes. I became more disillusioned each day as He continued to withhold what I desired. Piece by piece, I retracted the confidence that I’d placed in Him

As I careless tore the stitches of love and hope that the Lord had placed within my heart, insecurity swooped back into my life, reclaiming my heart with powerful force. Disappointment and worry constantly plagued me. I missed the hope and peace that I’d felt in the beginning of my walk with the Lord. I knew that I could feel it again if I’d only trust Him, but I didn’t know how.

MOTIVES

By age ten, my mind had become overwhelmed with fear once again. My heart was filled with devastating sadness. I searched inside myself hoping to find a remedy, but I found only faults and flaws.

 At age 11, I started becoming acutely aware of my personal failings and physical imperfections. I spent the next year comparing myself to seemingly perfect celebrities and flawless models. Feelings of hopelessness welled up inside me as I realized that I would never measure up to such standards of beauty. By age 12, my “self-awareness” had escalated into a poisonous preoccupation with my body image. I felt hideous, worthless, and afraid.

I hated the fear in which I existed. I hated the insecurity that had taken control of my life. I hated the image reflected back at me when I looked in the mirror. But I couldn’t seem to move past my negative feelings no matter how much I want to, and though I tried to ignore it, the power of my insecurities kept growing. But my physical appearance, thatthat–was something I actually could change. So that’s what I set out to do.  

METHODS

It all started with a simply-stated goal. “Lose weight, and lose it fast.”

I thought I’d be able to easily accomplish my goal by avoiding a lot of the junk food I regularly consumed. I didn’t realize how powerful cravings could become when they weren’t obeyed or how dangerously driven I’d become to accomplish my goal.

The more I tried to resist my cravings the more powerful they became. It made me angry. This was yet another force threatening my control. It was my turn to be in charge. I thought a bit more dietary structure might encourage me to stay on track, so I decided to establish a daily calorie limit.

What began as a simple calorie restriction quickly became an intricate obsession. Each time I failed to meet my expectations, I became more fixated. Every time I failed to adhere to my calorie guidelines, I became more frantic. I berated myself for every overindulgence. It was as if I hoped I could find self-worth by proving my self-control in this area of my life.

But it was never enough. No amount of weight loss made feel worthy. No display of self-control could provide me with security.
Between the ages of 12 and 14, I lost a total of 29 pounds, and I felt more dissatisfied with myself than ever before. Then it all came to screeching halt.

At some point when I was 14, I realized I wasn’t losing weight anymore. My eating routine was the same, and my calorie restriction hadn’t changed. My body just stopped releasing weight like it had been.

The prolonged, unhealthy decrease in my calorie intake had caused a drastic decrease in my metabolism. But I didn’t realize that then. I saw my inability to lose more weight as a personal failure. I was angry with myself, but I knew I didn’t have the strength and willpower to further decrease my calorie intake. The restrictions and endless cycle of overeating, self-loathing, and self-inflicted punishment had worn me to the point of exhaustion. So I continued to count my calories, but I started allowing myself to eat more of them.

I struggled greatly with binge eating during this time as I started using food as a coping mechanism to deal with stress. Though I felt physically healthier, my mental health continued to decline as I watched the steady incline of the numbers on the scale. Once I’d gained 10 of the 29 pounds that I’d lost, I panicked internally. I felt like I had to do somethinganything

Since I now found myself unable to deprive my body of it’s needed calories, I looked for methods to get rid of them after they’d been consumed. I decided to do this through through exercise and purging. I required myself to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day and to purge after all self-determined food indiscretions. 

UNPLEASANT CONSEQUENCES + UNEXPECTED GRACE

During this time, I gave insecurity free rein in my mind. My thought life became completely consumed by weight and food. Calorie counts, scale numbers, diet plans, and food fantasies constantly raced through my mind.

In my mid- to late teenage years, depressed and anxious thoughts started haunting me more frequently. I wanted a new body, a new personality, a new perspective, a whole new life–or none at all. I constantly compared myself to the girls and women around me. My constant comparisons led to jealousy and extreme self-consciousness. I feared I would never measure up or feel like I was enough of anything. This fear heavily influenced my interactions with people, particularly with boys.

I was spiritually weak and emotionally vulnerable when I entered my first romantic relationship at the age of 14. At that time, my self-worth seemed largely dependent on validation from others. I craved the feeling of being wanted. I craved it almost as much as I craved self-control.

I expected a boyfriend to satisfy my emotional needs and to provide me with some sense of security, but the relationship only served to escalate my jealousy and further diminish my trust.

My insecurities continued to increase as I tried and failed to use external sources of satisfaction to replace my need for my Savior.

I entered my second relationship with the same unrealistic expectations, and I left it with crushed dreams and a broken spirit. In the aftermath of this relationship, I realized how far I’d strayed from God.

The shame and guilt I carried from that relationship formed a seemingly impenetrable barrier between Him and me, but I knew I had to try to make my way back to my Savior.

Though I could no longer feel Jesus’ gentle leading or hear His loving words of reassurance, I continued to cry out to Him pleading for forgiveness and restoration. And He heard my cries.

RELEASING CONTROL

One blessed night, as I stood praying at the altar of my church, God reached down and touched my heart. With His merciful hands, He removed my guilt and replaced it with love. As I stood praising Him at the altar, His mercy and grace washed over me, restoring my faith. I surrendered my will to the Lord that night, and my life changed forever. I felt the peace and hope that I’d feared I would never again experience.

Shortly after, I reawakened my prayer life and started reading His Word regularly. I was encouraged and in love with God once again, but my spiritual revival did not immediately eradicate the damage done to my emotional and mental health.

Though I prayed incessantly for healing, I continued to struggle with negative body image, disordered eating, and self-destructive thoughts for several years. There were many days I questioned God in anger, but He kept me with His grace and mercy through all those days of doubt.

In the midst of my darkest nights, I learned what it meant to lean on the Lord. (click to tweet)

Just as Romans 8:28 promises, He used all of my experiences to work for His good. He used my faults and failures as a catalyst to draw me closer to Him. He taught me the truth of Psalm 73:26.

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
HOPE FOR HEALING + PRESENT DAY JOY

After I surrendered my life to God again, I had to conquer the insecurity that had completely overtaken my life. I spent many hard years learning to reframe my thinking.

God used my relationship with my husband in a powerful way throughout my healing process. When our relationship began, insecurity still had a major foothold in my life. My mind, heart, and soul were filled with negativity. I struggled with anxiety, sadness, and jealousy nearly every day, but he stood patiently by my side through it all, encouraging me in the Lord and reminding me of the Truth.

It was four long years before we could see any hope for healing on my horizon. But when I reached my twenties, God used an unlikely series of events to provide me with the tools I needed to overcome some major roadblocks in my journey to recovery.

At age 21, I started experiencing intermittent bouts of self-acceptance. By 22, I was beginning to feel some degree of self-confidence several days a week. And at 23, I’m happy to announce that I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, I no longer wrestle with jealousy, and I haven’t struggled with intrusive thoughts about calorie counts for over a year!

LESSONS LEARNED

Yes, I’ve been tempted and have reverted back to my old disordered eating patterns.

Yes, I still battle occasional recurrences of negative body image.

Yes, I still struggle with depressed and anxious thoughts.

So, no, my journey is not over. But when I consider where I am today, my heart rejoices; because I remember where I started, and I recognize the magnitude of all that God has done for me.

I could have been spared years of self-inflicted devastation if I would have allowed myself to trust the Lord sooner, but I can look back now and feel thankfulness for my journey. Today, I think with a redesigned mind and feel with a mended heart. I know where I can find my only true source of fulfillment and meaning. The Lord is, always has been, and always will be my portion.

Allow me to encourage and remind you that He is yours as well.

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